SATIRE – – – With the crackdown of the admin on the policy of phones at school, it is looking extremely dire for the presence of little pocket computers at school next year. The screens have produced endless complaints from teachers and other staff at Aspen High School. Supposedly, reports of low productivity and shortened attention spans have been linked to heavy phone usage in classrooms. To say the very least, staff are completely fed up. Teachers – allegedly – believe that Gen Z is completely addicted to cell phones and action must be taken to suppress this growing concern. But this new ban is explicitly exclusively for students, naturally. Teachers are more than welcome to stop lessons to scroll through Tik Tok, or send a snap to the squad, for as long as they want.
As of now, measures involving town hall have been taken by Principal Sarah Strasshotdog and Burger Oliver. A rumor including the complete abolition of cell phones, for students, on AHS campus has also circulated. Rapidly. There have been many reports of more meltdowns than usual in the library, crying in the bathrooms, and oh the horror, fights in the commons.
I understand the feeling of panic you are most likely experiencing, right now as a peer at AHS. As a phone addicted student myself, I have made it my absolute duty to provide the information you all want, how to sneak your phone into school. It’s so hard to go a full 80 minutes in class without flipping through social media, responding to a text, or (my personal favorite) online shopping (with your parents credit card, duh). Here are some tips and tricks (from a total certified professional) to help with your little, totally innocent vice.
Hide it in Your Shoe
Alright tip numero uno, hide your phone in your shoe. It’s not an obvious spot to put it at all. Teachers definitely won’t notice you limping up the Red Staircase, wincing with every step (with Aspen sport injury rates, teachers won’t spare a second glance). And no single person will notice the large lump protruding from your sock. Blame it all on another sprained ankle (because no one has used this excuse enough). Trust me this plan is foolproof (although I haven’t tried it yet).
Put it in Your Friend’s Backpack
When in doubt, blame it on your friend. Or so the old proverb goes. Hide your phone in your friend’s backpack (without consent, obviously) and all will be well in the world. This trick results in at least 87% of friendships in ruins, but hey! There’s a 13% chance your friend will think it’s funny getting suspended for something they didn’t do, always look on the bright side folks.
Sandwich Phone
And last but not least, this might be my favorite. I love sandwiches. Ok anyway, disguise your phone as a sandwich, perfect idea. Teachers and peers won’t be suspicious when you pull it out in the middle of class, the sandwich is calling and you must ‘eat it’. It’s completely normal to stare at your sandwich, poking and prodding it for at least 20 minutes before you take a big (fake) bite. Extra Tip: Avoid peanut butter and jelly… doesn’t end well for your little friend.
Happy sneaking and scrolling, Skiers!
