SATIRE – – – NORAD, Colorado – A brave state-sponsored Chinese hacker released documents on Thursday from NORAD with undeniable proof that snow is in fact a government conspiracy. Known by the handle @SuperReliableChineseHacker on the “dark web”, the hacker fought through government firewalls and millions of false documents to find the truth.
“I come from a country with a truthful regime that cares about its citizens,” shared the hacker. “I did this alone, not at the behest of my employer and government. I love snow – China didn’t make me release these. But can you believe that they made white nanobots?!”
American public officials urged citizens to question the reliability of documents released by the hacker. The News Safety Organization (NSA) pointed out that, while @SuperReliableChineseHacker had millions of upvotes on Reddit, his identity had not been proved in any other way.
“We contacted China asking if it was indeed their hacker that did this – and we got no response,” John Not-An-Alias Smith said in a statement. The NSA was not the only group that questioned the legitimacy of the information released. Many people in China wondered –assuming the report was real– if their government also spied on them with white nanobots. However, these suspicions were quickly crushed by the Chinese MSS, or the Ministry of “Sure, You Didn’t Say that” known for stopping any ‘subversive’ activities.
Suspicions in the Americas abounded but were also quickly dismissed by the truth-seeking group QAnon.
“Look, I thawt a Chinese might have made this up, but the boys at QAnon did set me straight,” said Jimmy John, owner of an Alabama ranch and firm opponent of ‘everything the [——-] liberals believe’. “They said – and I’mma paraphrase here – the guy’s name literally has super reliability in it. How could he be fake?”
The NSA contacted Jimmy John to ‘clandestinely’ remove him from the public eye, but it seems that many Americans agree with this irrefutable opinion. After all, snow is too clean to be true – when it falls from the sky, it must be from government airplanes lest dirty water contaminate the mountains.
