SATIRE – After having lived sixteen successful and rewarding years on this planet, and after having walked the halls of Aspen high school for almost 5 months, I can confidently say that I have discovered the key to happiness.

Now, you might think, what is this secret to happiness? To me, it’s quite simple: enjoy life and get the most out of it. In other words, if there are tasks to be completed, by all means, don’t do them now. Don’t do them in the next hour either. Don’t do them until you have spent the very last second before the deadline indulging in what gives you the purest delight – like binge watching the first few seasons of your favorite Netflix show.

The truth is, you don’t have to spend five grueling hours on something that can swiftly be thrown together in five minutes. So why work today when it can be done tomorrow? That’s the motto that I live by, and this far, it has helped me become a better and happier person, full of energy and completely stress-free.

Our procrastinating instincts date all the way back to our primitive ancestors, who needed to be impulsive for hunting wild game. Therefore, we can blame it all on our genes.

If you have  ever worked in a classroom setting, you may have noticed certain pitiful students who are eager to start on large projects immediately as they are assigned. Those poor, naïve souls have bought into the lie that overcoming their national tendency to procrastinate by starting earlier leads to efficiency and quality. This, my dear friends, is false. In truth, a group of extremely reliable scientists have shared that such suppression of human nature leads to a combination of depression, lack of self-confidence and mental disorders of many kinds.

Maybe, just maybe, you are that pitiful student. While the birds are chirping outside on a sunny spring day, you’re indoors, panicking about your homework. I can’t even begin to express the colossal sorrow I feel for your ignorance and meaningless efforts.

The further you push back work that needs to be done, the more you’ll enjoy doing it. This furious attempt of yours to finish exactly on the dot, without a minute to spare, is what makes life worth living. I call it: living life on the edge.

Under an intense time constraint, let your brain and fingers work madly under utmost pressure. Feel the rush of adrenaline and thrashing blood surge through your veins. The thrill is just something that I simply can’t explain. Your life of bore and mundane repetition will rejuvenate in ecstasy with the fast beating of your heart as you speed through your tasks before the due date.

If you can master the art of procrastination, life will be a breeze and a blast. Say goodbye to agonizing over receiving a lower-than-expected grade like those who eagerly started early, since you didn’t try anyway.

Side effects of finding and using the key to happiness include: your grades going down a couple letters, you dropping out of college, or you getting fired from your job. If this happens, at least you can find comfort in the fact that you know you have lived a rich and content life, full of gratification and with absolutely no regrets.