Why being single on V-Day is secretly awesome

Cupid’s arrow just struck all 7.53 billion people on earth simultaneously – brace yourselves single people: Valentine’s Day is upon us.

If you’re currently consciously uncoupled, today might seem like the world is conspiring against you and your single status. Take a deep breath (or a “mindful minute”), sit back, relax, and listen as I preach to the choir: Being single on Valentine’s Day is a blessing in disguise.

It’s earnestly difficult to wear a smile when candied hearts with blatantly inauthentic catch-phrases surround you, and Taylor Swift’s renowned (although embellished) “Love Story” is blaring on every car stereo. But remember, V-Day is only one treacherous 24 hours per year, and come February 15 – all those heartfelt letters and candied hearts will be lining a dumpster somewhere… come on, everyone knows they taste bad. I’m not even certain if they were originally intended for human consumption.

For those of you who are dateless on V-Day, stop with the guilt-trip and consider yourself lucky. Here are five reasons why being unapologetically single on Valentine’s day is actually awesome:

  1. Your wallet won’t suffer for love. What’s the fun in receiving heart-shaped chocolates and artificially colored roses when you also have to buy them? Four words: you’re dodging a bullet. According to the National Retail Federation, Americans that celebrate Valentine’s Day will shell out an average of $146.84 on this day every year. In total, V-Day spending is expected to hit $19.7 billion this year. Apparently, money does, in fact, grow on trees for starstruck lovers. Weigh your options: spending nearly $150 on a bag of sweet nothings and a romantic dinner vs.  watching Game of Thrones by yourself on the couch and spending 62¢ on a Nissin Cup Noodles™… choose wisely.
  2. Your thighs will thank you. It’s impossible and somewhat cruel for someone to resist delving into a Russell Stover box of chocolates when it’s placed right in front of them. The last time I received one of those, it was from my mom (naturally) and I ate all 14 pieces within one lonely hour. Little did I know, one XL Stover heart-shaped box serves up a hefty lot of calories, 5,550 to be exact, which perfectly explained my subsequent abdominal pains. After doing some research, I found that this number is equivalent to the total amount of calories found in ten McDonald’s Big Macs. Enough said. Simple solution: no Valentine, no thunder thighs.
  3. You can whip out the “groutfit.” “What’s a groutfit?” you ask inquisitively. Let me explain. Truthfully, I hate any and all articles of clothing unless they include the prefix “sweat.” Sure, we all tell ourselves that getting ready for a night out on the town and looking lavish is somewhat enjoyable but on no planet is squeezing yourself into leather pants and massively failing to walk in stilettos enjoyable. It’s torturous. So, here’s where my best friend – the groutfit – comes into play. You may not know it yet, but you probably have a groutfit. If you own grey sweats and a grey sweatshirt, meet your newest most eligible Valentine. Ditch the lipstick and spend the night with your groutfit. Why? Because a groutfit, unlike true love, isn’t a myth.
  4. Celebrate (Gal/Pal)entines Day. The definition of “love” is as follows: an intense feeling of deep affection. When did the Grinch of Valentine’s Day step in and proclaim that V-Day is only about celebrating romantic love? PSA: he didn’t. Round up the troops, ladies and gentlemen… this slightly offensive holiday just became 100x more fun. This is the perfect time to enjoy the company of your real true loves: your gals (or pals). Friends are like stubborn hip fat – they never leave your side. So embrace them by gathering your fellow uncoupled amigos and having a night you won’t forget. Because trust me, you will absolutely forget that guy, Chad, from eharmony who wears sunglasses inside, Newbound sneakers, and a leather jacket. He’s not that great ladies, settle down.
  5. BYOB aka Be Your Own Boss. Contrary to popular belief, the term “BYOB” actually means Be Your Own Boss. Valentine’s Day just took on a whole new meaning. Dedicate this day of love for celebrating the utmost important type of love: self-love. Take advantage of V-Day, and use it as an excuse to treat no one but yourself, while under zero pressure. It’s starting to sound more like a dream than a nightmare, right? Kick off your shoes, order some pizza, and pop open that non-alcoholic bottle of sparkling apple cider and have a YOU night – be your own damn boss. You deserve it.

Together, let’s praise the man upstairs for blessing us with the greatest blessing of all: solitude. From now on, let us not dread Valentine’s Day, but rather let us look forward to it. Why? Because according to my calculations, if you’re single on V-Day, technically you’re getting richer, slimmer, comfier, and most of all, happier with yourself. Cupid’s arrow can ricochet all the way back to Lover’s Island because, truthfully, we don’t need an imaginary arrow to make us fall in love with ourselves. BYOB. Mic drop.