Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Gluten Free

Sophie Schlosser, Staff Writer|April 26, 2019

The snack display that let’s students see the food for sale.

Gluten and free: two words that, when strung together, strike fear in the hearts of every wait staff, hostess, and most importantly, the entire Aspen High School snack bar staff.

As someone who didn’t even know what gluten was, or that it was a manifestation of the devil, my gluten intolerance diagnosis one year ago came as quite a shock. Now imagine my surprise when I found out that AHS, along with everyone else on planet earth, despises the gluten-free.

For those of you who “don’t believe” in gluten allergies, let me be the first to tell you that they exist (very much so), and if you don’t have one yet, you’re next. Trust me. In fact, my gluten intolerance was caused by an overconsumption of gluten (clearly), so watch out.

Despite the fact that all the best foods contain gluten, I still religiously turn to food for comfort. At the beginning of the year, the best GF option at the AHS cafe was dihydrogen monoxide, AKA water.

Not only was it alarming, but rather heartbreaking, to find such a miuiscule amount of GF options in a school where the words, “I’m gluten free,” spew out of student’s mouths like hot lava erupting from a volcano.

After months avoiding the snack bar, I recently witnessed one of my severely gluten intolerant friends enter and exit the cafe eating snacks that actually looked… GOOD???!! *insert crowd gasping sound effect here*

So, if you’re gluten-free and similarly avoid the snack bar because there aren’t sufficient munchie options, it is my utmost pleasure to inform you that there has been a change of fate for the doomed (aka the gluten-free) – the AHS cafe now has countless GF options. I know, the world is quaking.

Please enjoy the gluten-free survival guide I have provided below, containing few of the several new GF snacks – brought to you kindly by Aspen High School’s egalitarian cafe.