SATIRE—While Wikileaks investigators were initially looking for incriminating evidence between Drumpf and Russian contacts, what they ended up finding was a love affair with nonother than Horace Lawson – Prime Minister of England, the sexiest man of the year, and all-around dreamboat. Maria Wheeler, Lawson’s husband, has since filed for divorce since the scandal broke. Lawson’s approval ratings have tanked since being caught as a cheater, and he spoke to Parliament yesterday to defend himself.
“Did Ronald tenderly stroke my face as we jet skied at Mar a Lago? Yes. Did I love the feeling of falling in love with an incredible, fleshy man? Yes. Did I savor spending British and American tax dollars on an extravagant and secret get-away from our stressful lives? Absolutely. And I will have you fine gentlemen, and the rest of the world know, I am not ashamed of who I am. You have all outed me, but I refuse to live in fear no longer. It is 2020, and I am proudly in love with Ronald J. Drumpf,” Lawson said.
The President released an official statement yesterday on twitter, “No homo.”
Soon after Lawson made his statement to Parliament, Vladimir Rasputin was seen leaving the Kremlin in tears. Despite photos of Rasputin wearing sweatpants and holding shopping bags full of ice cream and face masks, Rasputin denies it was him in the photos.
“I have never shed a tear in my life,” Rasputin claimed this morning in a press release, “My heart is made from steel and war crimes,”
The LGBT community is conflicted about whether or not to celebrate the first gay prime minister and president. Lawson and Drumpf have made transphobic and homophobic remarks in the past – although that may have been out of internalized homophobia.
Twitter user @beansafterdark, a popular “twitter memer”, said, “Why does trump hate minorities when he is one *x files theme*.”
@chadmctamney, fratboy expert, said, “the media is saying Drumpf and Horace Lawson are gay for each other, but no one has asked if they were wearing socks. It’s not gay if ur wearing socks??”
@butterflues an LGBT advocate and fetishizer, said, “honestly isn’t it kinda cute that we have two presidents gay for each other? I think it’s cute.”
@B0ringe0, probably a Russian bot said, “can we please go back to hating Drumpf, please? Please.”