On a Tuesday, March 12, at 8:99 AM, Sarah Strasshotdog accidentally walked into room 0420 and found 23 students staring at the damp, concrete wall. A green gas floated around the room and the students were diligently typing on a keyboard that were detached from their computers.
Strasshotdog immediately called the relevant authorities who removed the students from the room. Within the hour the students were rambling on about a man named Doseph Jziedzic, their spanish teacher. No such teacher has taught at AHS in the three years the school has operated. Jziedzic is not a real person, so what have these students been doing in that basement? A group of investigative journalists set out to find the answer. They knew delving headlong into the world of espionage would be dangerous, so they asked for their names to be kept anonymous. All that is known at the moment is that students were being sent to a dark basement and a psychotic gas was being pumped into the room. The most plausible explanation is that the CIA is testing a new nerve agent to use on their prisoners in Guantanamo bay. The gas takes at least 10 minutes to take effect, explaining why Jziedzic is always reported to be late to class.
Jziedzic is never seen outside of the classroom, and a comprehensive manhunt of all of Colorado yielded no results. This being said, interviews with baseball officials noted that there is a coach who goes by Jziedzic. Some ski players acknowledge his existence. Attempts by the journalists to find him during practices were unsuccessful, although they did find the secret sacrificial table under the clubhouse.
“I know Jziedzic, he’s my ski coach!” JJ ‘Ronald Reagan’ Kelly said, “I think he is a covert operative. Maybe he works for the government. I swear he exists.”
Kelly was rationalizing, maybe trying to save face so the CIA didn’t take him away. *Editor’s Note* Kelly was recently found dead with 57 bullet holes, cause of death: “natural causes.” The next step was to investigate room 0069 itself. Building maintenance staff were happy to divulge the room is only used as cold storage for the bodies of seniors who died from senioritis. However, a careful examination of the room revealed there are several vents around the room, a locked door that nobody seems to have a key for, and a massive mirror on the side of the room. Around the time Strasshotdog found the students in room 0420, the parking lot was completely filled up with black Cadillac Escaldes, any attempt to boot or ticket them was met with a swift kidnapping.
“I can’t even park at the school anymore, every single spot has a big Cadillac in it, how am I supposed to get to my class?” Big Silly Willy said shortly before being whisked away by men in black suits and 2000s sunglasses.
Soon, even the counselors denied the existence of ever signing students up for a class with the elusive Jziedzic. Skillfully dodging questions and interviews, and attempting to change the subject to mental health, details were hard to gather.
“No such class exists,” Josh Barrel, an AHS covert operative said, “In fact, you don’t exist. You’ve never existed. Anyway, how have you been doing mentally recently?”
While investigations are still ongoing, we applaud the nameless journalists for their sacrifice. They will surely be dead of natural causes within the week, the highest honor the US Government can bestow on a journalist.