Timeline of 2017 as Told by Alternative Facts

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January 21- President Trumps first executive order bans Americans from eating cake

February 1- Meryl Streep dies at age 67 after being crushed by all her trophies

February 3- Harambe’s child is revealed to the world

February 4- Riots break out as zoo refused to build separate protective enclosure for Harambe’s child

February 23- Sean Spicer begins dressing in camouflage to avoid press

February 26- Performance gone wrong at Oscar’s kills 30 celebrities including Ryan Gosling and The Rock

March 2- All public schools in America required to train grizzly bear to protect students from shooters

March 7- Lawyers pants catch on fire during congressional trial about Trump’s ties to Russia

March 10- Thirteen runners die in a color run after powder is found to be made of cocaine

March 11- Army says they are “triggered” by Kim Jong Un’s nuclear threats

March 12- Donald Trump buys Hitler’s personal phone for $347,463,900

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