SATIRE – On National Obama Day, the one day of the year where every person over the age of 18 is required to recite the constitution in front of a group of salamanders, United Nations (UN) soldiers were dispatched to quell a peaceful uprising. Peaceful protesters gathered outside of a radio broadcasting building (KW WAP – broadcasting on 420 AM) to protest salamander speeches – the UN was ordered to the scene to keep the protests peaceful.
UN troops arriving on the scene immediately began lobbing grenades and running over crowds of protesters who were dangerously armed with white flags and flowers. After the protest was successfully kept peaceful, the UN loaded back into their now red and brainsplattered trucks and returned to their home base, soon to be fed water from uncleaned oil drums and MREs from the 1940s. Since its conception before humanity evolved, the UN has successfully kept the peace in every country on the planet. From massacring entire ethnic populations in middle Africa to starving children in the Middle East, the UN’s effectiveness demands reverence. Having successfully handled the humanitarian crisis in Yemen, UN attention shifted to cracking down on civil unrest in America – peacefully of course.
“UN relief saved Yemen…only 21.6 billion people remain without access to food, water, health, and emergency services,” António “I’m literally controlled by ants” Guterres, the dictator of the UN said, “That may sound like a lot, but it’s okay because they’re from the Middle East and it’s normal there.”
Many wars and potential genocides in third-world countries have been avoided thanks to the UN. After all, if the UN perpetrated the genocide, at least they stopped the bad guys from doing it. Third-world countries were now safe, and the UN would never make as much money operating in a place with less money to begin with. The UN was headed to the USA. Fleets of blue helmets and berets now rolled through O Block of Chicago and Aurora in Denver. French troops patrolled New Orleans and Mexican troops occupied the Alamo.
Almost immediately, the UN declared systemic racism to no longer be an issue in America, they had put an end to the violence. Several incidents have taken place both with the UN massacring civilians but also leaving their own soldiers to die. All in the name of peace, of course.
Despite the arguments of the bewildered American populace, the UN began exploiting America’s natural resources in order to pay off the nations within the organization. Capitalism really is a failed system. The UN won’t stay long however, it rarely takes long for the UN to declare a country fixed and move on to more pressing issues.